Peace and Rest He gives to Me

Does your spirit ever feel the uncontrollable need to scream?  It’s not a moan or complaint or sob, but a full out blood-curling scream.  That’s how my spirit has been feeling for about two or three months.  This is a mind-clogging experience.  I have a hard time sleeping, thinking, and concentrating, which of course sucks because I am at school trying to conjure up A’s. 

 

I’ve tried to mask it as well as possible, this deep bellow in my soul, but it seems as though the more I try to cover it up or put it away from my reality, the more it haunts and hunts for me.  I finally confronted the matter a couple of days ago when Jerod was in town.  He knew that I wasn’t sleeping well and all of this stuff, but had no reason why this was occurring.  He gently lead me into his arms and somehow (I’m still not quite sure how) I (wo)manned-up and frickin let it come out of my mouth.  There was nothing in me that wanted to tell him.  I hate the things that haunt me, but it seems like as we begin to coat it over with an ever-growing mask of denial, this haunting turns into a best friend AND a worst enemy.  But, I did it.  I said it.  It felt gross to hear it come out of my mouth: my selfishness, my self-pity, my shame.  But, I did it. 

 

Night came, and he went over to Beast’s to stay the night.  Nothing new: it was still really hard to sleep.  The next night I felt an amazingly new burst of peace when I went to bed.  There was still a struggle in my heart, don’t get me wrong, but my mind seemed to settle a lot easier.  Last night, dude, I slept sooo well!  I went to bed and fell right asleep.  I even took a nap this afternoon in which dreams and conformations of other dreams were spilling out of my mind and spirit.  It was exciting to rest!

 

I know that the struggle is still going to be there.  Satan would absolutely love to come in (especially after sharing this with others) and disrupt my sleep again.  I know this.  I’ve seen it time and time again in my life and in other’s.  But the simple joy of a restful, peaceful night is overwhelming, and I cannot contain it!  The screaming has ceased or at least become quiet enough for me to think and enjoy today.

 

Thank you, Lord!

Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name; make known among the nations what he has done.  Psalm 105:1, 1 Chronicles 16:8

2 comments:

  1. i think you and i are living the same book....we're pretty much on the same page....you made me smile reading that because now i know...i'm not the only one that feels like screaming sometimes......i pray God gives you more and more peace and rest...

  1. sorry that my last comment was so long. this one won't be. i have felt the same way lately. i am glad you have gotten it out and are getting rest. i will keep you in my prayers, and i hope that you continue to be restful and not overloaded.