Ohh Baby!

I can't wait until Saturday!!!

Texas Tech v U of Texas
11/1/08    7PM 

I Need You, Sweet Jesus


Why am I so nervous all of the time?  Why will I not let Your Spirit come within me and soothe the things I fear so greatly?  I know that You will take them, but there is something about that very thing that is unsettling to me.  Could it possibly be that I want to keep those fears close?  Keeping them close before worked...to an extent...I mean, I still lived in fear and couldn't see the progress, but it DID happen.  

God, you know the things that I am deeply afraid of, the things that keep me awake into the early hours of the morning, the things that I want so desperately to cry about, but my eyes won't let me, the things that plague my thought and memory.  Dear Jesus, you know them.  You know me.  You knit me together in my mother's womb.  You knew my name before I was even born.  All the days that are ordained for me are written in Your book.  I have ravished Your heart with one glance of my eye.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made, dear Jesus.  You know all my ways and have set them before me.

So, I take this, what You say, and hold fast to it.  I will strive to never let love and faithfulness leave me; I bind them around my neck and write them on the tablet of my heart.

For You, Oh Lord, are a shield around me!  You are my glory, the one who holds my head high!

(even when I can't see it, I will "do it afraid")

Free Writing

I have often be urged by psychologists to free write in the context that requires no rules or grammar or form.  When I first began this exercise, I found it extremely hard to simply let go of the rules.  Many times I like to make myself think that I do not live within the encrypted rules and lines and boundaries of language and thinking, but I indeed do.  However, free writing has helped me overcome the ordinances of form.  It's truly freeing to be able to sit down and put random thoughts on paper without that incessant voice telling me that I must put them in the order that it tells me to or all control will be lost.

Today I sat down at Starbucks with my communications homework and soy sugar-free cinnamon dolce latte in hand (whew! that's a heavy cup, man).  I honestly didn't intend to free write (I like to do that in private, because it often makes be feel like I'm a crazy), but I ended my homework a lot quicker than I thought I would, and had an extra sheet of paper that happened to be unused.  I felt the urging of the Spirit to free write, so I obeyed.

After reading over my script, I found a really interesting trend.  It was fairly subtle and took me by surprise.  There seemed to be a trend of extremely abstract thought and concept being moved into concrete, tangible, seeable things.  Like, that my life lately has been like cerebral pauses.  That I'm just going along, living and thinking, and then all of a sudden - a cerebral pause.  My mind does nothing, thinks nothing, feels nothing.  Kinda like a black-out, but I realize it in the process of the pause.  It was cool to read this and have this thought: "Ok, well if I am having these cerebral pauses, I need to mentally just push play."  (I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone, but it does to me!)  

And take this:  We run into the monster of time and space, and wait for a line to speak in case we don't laugh the first time when he motioned to the door and floundered about in our dresses. -- Yes, weird I know.  This is what I mean by freedom from form.  BUT, here time and space is a monster that I am scared of because I don't react the way I am "supposed to".  It also abuses me, 'floundering around in my dress behind the closed door'.  I now see that I need not be afraid of time, but stand up for myself in it, not taking its abuse of me.  Fear and worry are overrated and binding.  I don't have to take their crap.

Kinda cool, maybe?  I learn a lot from these things.  You should try it too.  Free writing sucks at first, and it's actually really difficult to simply let go of your mind and let it speak.  But, after a few times it gets a little easier.  Hope you enjoy this!

My Future is In Your Hands

My body is torn.  My spirit is sorrowful.  My mind is desolate.  My heart is broken.

Yet still, I will trust in you, Oh Lord!  Be first in my life!  I surrender to You!


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Thanks so much!