.Unpublished Heart

It's funny.
I'm finding that if I am simply myself
without worrying about how people perceive me
or how I come across
or how I present myself
or what I say or don't say
or where I look or place my eyes
...it's then that I am truly happy
and people are naturally drawn to me.
When possessing distress of the former things, people seem to dissipate from my life
But when I am simply me, there's an unsaid harmony between me and myself
and that harmony within the self draws in others, good people, people I want around me in my life.
I must remember - "Just be you, Kelsey."
Nothing more & nothing less.

my head's playin tricks on me today.
buck up, mind. be stronger.
buck up, body. show em who's boss.
i am not defeated.

Every time I get around you my heart races and my mind narrows and my eyes dart from side to side, looking everywhere but your eyes. Because I know that if I look into your eyes, I'll want you, even more than I already want you, and I know that I can't have you. You plague me and frustrate me and see straight through me. And I hate you for it. And I love that you do it. I'm so vulnerable when I'm around you. I feel out of control. So, I step back and breathe and wait until I can dive back into you again. It's a good hurt, it's a terrorizing hurt. I know that she is perfect for you. I know that I'd be a menace to you and you an impediment to me. But fact does not alter feeling. No matter how hard I try to ignore my racing heart, it continues to pulse and nag and want. You. You are my burden and she is your strength. I am your fantasy and she is your reality. I feel your heart beat too. Not as strong, but I feel it beat. It is out of pace with mine. It laughs, mine screams. You are relaxed. I am collapsed at the will of my heart; it is stronger than me. So be easy with me. I'm trying. I'm trying to pull my heart back into my chest. Be easy with me.

May every ill notion be removed from me.
May every destructive intention be cast from me.
Not that I may be boastful or cocky,
But that You be glorified and made perfect in my weakness.

Frustrate me into perfection with You.
Make me complete, lacking nothing.
Mold me into Your will,
And cast away my own will as I see Yours as better fitting.