.Unpublished Heart

My speech is slurred, but my heart is quiet.  Too quiet.  Almost gone.  It feels like it's time to give up.  I can feel the fuel rising again.  I will not allow it, yet I desire to embrace it to its full penetrating potential.  The lack of it all is flustering.  I can almost taste the end with my tongue.  The rose is slowly welcoming its own dejection, and the gardener seems to call for it.  It begs.  It groans for release.  Though the fire may lie in expectation, the rose embodies its thoughts into trails of smoke.  The rain will only rust.  The light will only blind.  A fictional life's view is most definite.  But no one will notice the lack of one single rose taken out of the gardener's bed.

I need to find a place with great clothes for a great price.  I need...I do!  Help me?

Lord God,

Jenny Lewis is tremendously sexy and brilliant.  Every girl wants a little Jen.  I mean, c'mon!

Well, it's been building in me for awhile, but today it finally broke free from my lungs and my mind.  I am so tired of the competition.  I am so sick of trying to get "noticed" and achieve something "great".  What?!  Who are they to tell me what great is?  What gives them the divine right to make the rules of beautiful, successful, smart, funny, and talented?  I am so sick of trying to please and satisfy the "judges" of life.  The race makes me sick, tired, anxious, and weary.  I cannot continue extending my alleged self to the hands of the moderators that feed off of my failure.  I will not allow it!  Why is it that I feel the need to please the audience of people surrounding me?  What have I to offer or to gain?  Nothing!  So, I must cease this pursuit, because I will never get or give enough.

You have been my most trusted friend since I can remember.  You are absolutely, 100% the thing that keeps me going, the thing that keeps me pressing through the hard stuff life often throws in our faces.  I remember days and nights of fighting and friendship.  It almost kills me each time I leave you alone.  I want the best for you and would truly give up anything in order for you to have it.  You deserve it.  I know I’ve hurt you and you’ve hurt me, but it is those very instances that call me to a deep love and confidence in you.  You and I are so alike, yet so very different at the same time.  You, sweet friend, are utterly gorgeous.  The way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you cry draws me into you.  I can’t help it.  I know that Christ is working so mightily in you and has plans far beyond what either one of us can imagine.  I am so very proud of you.  You.  Not what you’ve done or how you’ve done it.  You, who you are.  Thank you for always being here for me and loving me without condition.  I’m extremely excited to see you following the famous name of Jesus.  You are exquisite.

With every day comes new victories, struggles, realizations, and discoveries.  In all of these aspects I have experienced joy and have been challenged to do newer, greater things within myself and others.  I have found that with each coming and passing day, He and I grow closer and learn more about how life should be lived.  I love Him.  He is my best friend.