.Unpublished Heart

1 Cor. 6:1-11, ESV
Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for freedom from the bonds of sin!

I'm typing this out in order that the passages are better committed to my memory and posting it in order that I can look back on it later and remember. May it bless you as well!

1 Thessalonians 5:12-28, ESV
"We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. Brothers, pray for us. Greet all the brothers with a holy kiss. I put you under oath before the Lord to have this letter read to all the brothers. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you."

Proverbs 30

The Words of Agur

The words of Agur son of Jakeh. The oracle.

The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out.
Surely I am too stupid to be a man.
I have not the understanding of a man.
I have not learned wisdom,
nor have I knowledge of the Holy One.
Who has ascended to heaven and come down?
Who has gathered the wind in his fists?
Who has wrapped up the waters in a garment?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and what is his son’s name?
Surely you know!

Every word of God proves true;
he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
Do not add to his words,
lest he rebuke you and you be found a liar.

Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, "Who is the LORD?"
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.

Do not slander a servant to his master,
lest he curse you, and you be held guilty.

There are those who curse their fathers
and do not bless their mothers.
There are those who are clean in their own eyes
but are not washed of their filth.
There are those—how lofty are their eyes,
how high their eyelids lift!
There are those whose teeth are swords,
whose fangs are knives,
to devour the poor from off the earth,
the needy from among mankind.

The leech has two daughters:
Give and Give.
Three things are never satisfied;
four never say, "Enough":
Sheol, the barren womb,
the land never satisfied with water,
and the fire that never says, "Enough."

The eye that mocks a father
and scorns to obey a mother
will be picked out by the ravens of the valley
and eaten by the vultures.

Three things are too wonderful for me;
four I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a serpent on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a virgin.

This is the way of an adulteress:
she eats and wipes her mouth
and says, "I have done no wrong."

Under three things the earth trembles;
under four it cannot bear up:
a slave when he becomes king,
and a fool when he is filled with food;
an unloved woman when she gets a husband,
and a maidservant when she displaces her mistress.

Four things on earth are small,
but they are exceedingly wise:
the ants are a people not strong,
yet they provide their food in the summer;
the rock badgers are a people not mighty,
yet they make their homes in the cliffs;
the locusts have no king,
yet all of them march in rank;
the lizard you can take in your hands,
yet it is in kings’ palaces.

Three things are stately in their tread;
four are stately in their stride:
the lion, which is mightiest among beasts
and does not turn back before any;
the strutting rooster, the he-goat,
and a king whose army is with him.

If you have been foolish, exalting yourself,
or if you have been devising evil,
put your hand on your mouth.
For pressing milk produces curds,
pressing the nose produces blood,
and pressing anger produces strife.



Father, forgive me, for I have sinned against You. You are my help. You are my strength. You are my fortress. You are my deliverance.

I was recently talking to a friend of mine concerning the state of attendance of live music not just in our town but in other places in the country as well. It seems as though attendance to “band” shows is down. Singer-songwriter performances have always had the “correct” number of attendees, in my opinion, because of the way the singer-songwriter system is set up. Usually, one books a singer-songwriter in a restaurant or private venue; one or the other. Because of this, attendees either ignore or enjoy the performance. That being said, this post is not concerned with the singer-songwriter. So, let us not count that style of music in the discussion.

My aim, however, is concerned with “band” music. I have seen quality musicians and singers with quality songs struggle. My question and frustration (as I know is theirs as well) is ‘why’? Why the heck are these talented people struggling to captivate and, more importantly, keep an audience? Their performances are good. Their talent is good. Their delivery is good. So, why?
My conclusion, which I will express in a moment, comes from simple evolution. Do we as a society remain stagnant biologically and spiritually and technologically? No. We evolve. So, then, why is the “band” idea remaining the same? We should evolve this! How? Creativity. Learn from the past, but don’t stay in it. People are incredibly bored with the “band scene”. Believe me, I am. I don’t want to go see a band play. I don’t.

Now, I am in no way saying, “People are bored. Let’s make them ‘unbored’.” No, no, no. I’m rather saying. Get creative. Get weird. I have been loving folks like The Flaming Lips, James Blake, and Astronautalis as of late. Why? I mean, The Flaming Lips are old. They’ve been going at this for a while. So, why am I captivated so much by them? Because they are weird. Because they are creative. They don’t stay in the box. James Blake & Astronautalis: they don’t stay in the box, and they are on constant mission to create.

So, my conclusion: The “band scene” cannot and will not captivate unless they first create. Think I’m wrong? Apply this and prove me wrong! Please! I believe I am correct, but I want to see if I am. There is a difference between ‘I was inspired by’ & ‘I created’. Create! Just as you were created, create! Evolve! I believe we will see a shift in numbers, captivation, and loyalty in live music attendance if the change & evolution is made.

So... what happens when you know you need to get your shit together, but you have no idea how to go about doing that?

"The poetry generally is a rhythmic articulation of feeling. And the feeling is an impulse that begins inside, like a sexual impulse. Almost as definite as that. It's a feeling that begins in the pit of the stomach and rises up through the breast, out the mouth and ears, and it comes forth as a croon or a groan or a sigh. So, if you try to put words to that by looking around you and trying to describe what's making you sigh, to sigh in words. You simply articulate what you're feeling." -Allen Ginsberg, Howl

This thing, it wraps me up in itself and makes me cold
This thing, it harbors every bit of my attention
This thing, it suffocates the good in me
This thing, it crushes my spirit

And yet

I keep giving into, feeding, entertaining, making time for
This thing

I often revisit this article, because I feel there is wisdom in it concerning performing and sharing songs. This is a quote that I especially draw from. I'll link the rest of the article below. Happy writing!

"There are some nights that I can sing the same song and go back to the day I wrote it, the way I was feeling," she says. "There are ways of being vulnerable without giving everything away. The songs are very personal stories. Those are my experiences. But I try to be guarded of those. The songs are my kids. I want to protect them just as much as I want to get them out there." -SJ

http://www.dallasnews.com/entertainment/columnists/mario-tarradell/20100604-Denton-based-Sarah-Jaffe-writes-songs-7732.ece

I’ve been reluctant to post anything on the subject of addiction, because it’s one of those things you just kind of keep quiet. I mean, the mere definition of addiction alludes to a problem of sorts, which an addict would like to hide. However, I think there is a certain healing in speaking of things hidden. A good friend of mine pointed out a few days ago that I ‘keep my cards close’. I agree. I want to let you in a bit. My aim with this is to be frank. My aim with this is to let others know that they are not alone.

I’ve been slave to addictions for most of my life. I won’t go into detail (for the sake of my privacy), but we can say that I am still very much a slave to many of these accumulated dependencies. There is great frustration in me as I read back that statement. The dollars and time invested in erasing that statement from my lips should prove otherwise. So, why am I still warring? I don’t know the answer, obviously. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this. But, as I’ve spent thousands of hours in thought on the subject of ‘why’, I’ve developed a small conclusion: addiction spurs from an attainment. There is a certain kind of dedication to the addiction because you get something from it. If you received nothing from the substance or thing or activity, there would be absolutely no reason for you to return to it. Further, if you hated it we would call that act aversion.

So, why do we see addicts going back or not getting out at all?

It is because the framework of addiction is devotion. The person receives something from the addiction. It always gives. It ends up taking as well; always more than it gives in the end. But it gives. It always gives.

I honestly believe that because of the nature of the creature of addiction, my view of love is skewed. I give in to said addiction because I receive a certain ‘love’ from it. Every time. Although, most of the time (like I said above) the ‘love’ given is lesser than what it takes in return.

This is more of an affirmation to any one who thinks they are alone. You are not. I am not. How do we beat this? I am not sure. I do know, however, that Christ offers a love that is better and purer and richer than any high or chaos or bliss or achievement. It alone satisfies. But we have to buy into that love and trust in it and give up what we think we know for something greater than ourselves.

I have, thus far, found when I write songs that speak to different parts of myself, people connect. People probably feel the same way you do in most situations. People are very much the same. So, don't be afraid to speak up, and speak up in confidence that you aren't alone.

My goal with this post is not to complain or gripe about anything in my life. Rather, simply to document and celebrate the good things that have begun to flower in my life and the goodness that Christ has provided for me.

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. What? How could this have happened to me? I wasn't one to have my heart broken easily. I sank back into the green loveseat in the living room of my third-floor apartment. How could this be? Betrayed.

Let me back up a bit. Christmas of 2010 was a strange time. My entire family seemed to be on edge. My mother and I were at odds, as our relationship was fickle and weak. She didn't approve of the person I was dating, nor did she feel comfortable with the fact that I had tumbled away from the church. So, I decided to take off a bit early for home, Denton, on the 26th. That next morning I awoke and headed to McKinney to meet up with my significant other. We'd left each other for the holidays on a high note, and I was anxious to see them. Their niece and nephew were still in town for the holidays from California, so we all decided to go out and carve hills down in Carrollton. After riding a few easier hills, the nephew and I headed up a pretty challenging slant. He took off first looking like a pro and taking the hill without problem. I stepped onto my longboard, took a deep breath, and pushed off down the hill. I started gaining speed, topping off around 30 mph when I realized I wasn't going to be able to make the turn at the bottom of the hill. I bailed. I remember taking a couple of steps and feeling a rush of panic as I 'supermaned' into the asphalt. I'd broken my collarbone.

I am active. Really active. Before the accident I was the strongest I've ever been in my life. I felt great. I looked great.

When you break your collarbone you realize how essential it truly is to the rest of your body. The ribs and the collarbone are the most painful breaks that can occur. Yet, it only takes 3 pounds of force to break a collarbone. You can't set it. You just have to remain as still as you possibly can until it heals, which is around 7-8 weeks. It was hell. It was humbling.

During the first week of the break, I developed edema in my left arm. The doctors feared there was a deadly bloodclot in my arm from the break and rushed me from test to test. Late that night they reported there was no bloodclot. I sighed a sigh of relief along with those around me. 95% of collarbone breaks do not require surgery. My break was bad enough and far enough apart that half of the doctors I saw said 'do it' and the others said 'wait it out and see.' Of course, I didn't want surgery, so I waited it out. When the doctor finally released me 4 months later he said, "Kelsey, I really can't believe your bone has healed this nicely. Your break was one of the worst I've seen in a long time. It's now just as strong, perfectly healed. It's amazing."

God be praised.

I spent a few weeks at my parents' house when I first broke my collarbone. During that time, my mom and I grew very close. I had hours and hours of thinking time, of being time, of talking time. And I was able to spend many of those hours with my mother and thinking about our relationship. I put down my pride. We talked and talked. It was a time of emotional healing as well.

God be praised.

During the course of around a month, I moved into a lonely one bedroom apartment, broke up with my significant other (who is now my ex), broke my collarbone, was abandoned by my best friend, and found out that my 'big sister' from back in high school (with whom I shared a lot of my personal struggles and achievements) moved in on my ex not even two weeks after we'd broken up. They hid it from me.

A friend of mine expressed her opinion about this girl and my ex. She asked if they were seeing each other, and I unknowingly said they were not. After a bit more concern, I asked this 'big sister' of mine if anything was going on between them. There was. They'd been 'caught'. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. What? How could this have happened to me? I wasn't one to have my heart broken easily. I sank back into the green loveseat in the living room of my third-floor apartment. How could this be? Betrayed.

My best friend, for no reason that I even to this day can conjure up, abandoned our relationship. It's still something that baffles me. I've tried to ask her what went wrong. I've spent tireless hours in thought about anything I've done or didn't do that would have made her abandon our friendship. But I've come up short over and over again. It's strange. But I've, instead, had to trust in Christ even that much more to bring in friends and companions that are good. Good in His eyes and His time. I see Him slowly working people into my life that will help me and encourage me and allow me to do the same for them. I am standing strong in His promise that He will bring someone into my life who I can call 'best friend'. In His time.

God be praised.

Although it has been a hard and lonely and humbling year thus far, I've had the pleasure of growing immensely in my Father's love. He is the only thing I can always trust in. Not my body, not my mind, not my friends, not my family, not drugs, not alcohol, not my talents, not any situation, not anything - but Him.

God be praised.


Job 1:21, ESV -- And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

"Nevertheless, instead of listening to those who advise us as men and mortals not to lift our thoughts above what is human and mortal, we ought rather, as far as possible, to put off our mortality and make every effort to live in the exercise of the highest of our faculties; for though it be but a small part of us, yet in power and value it far surpasses all the rest." - Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics

Proverbs 15:20-23, ESV

(20) A wise son makes a glad father,
but a foolish man despises his mother.
(21) Folly is a joy to him who lacks sense,
but a man of understanding walks straight ahead.
(22) Without counsel plans fail,
but with many advisers they succeed.
(23) To make an apt answer is a joy to a man,
and a word in season, how good it is!

oh, man. someone's been diggin in my brain.

there IS total freedom.

Seryn: "This Is Where We Are" from Jon Todd Collins on Vimeo.

I don't have the strength.
Keep me upright, dear Father.
Because, without You I fall.
Without You I grow weary.
In my own I am nothing.
But with You I am strong.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.




Psalm 119:113-120, ESV

I hate the double-minded,
but I love your law.
You are my hiding place and my shield;
I hope in your word.
Depart from me, you evildoers,
that I may keep the commandments of my God.
Uphold me according to your promise, that I may live,
and let me not be put to shame in my hope!
Hold me up, that I may be safe
and have regard for your statutes continually!
You spurn all who go astray from your statutes,
for their cunning is in vain.
All the wicked of the earth you discard like dross,
therefore I love your testimonies.
My flesh trembles for fear of you,
and I am afraid of your judgments.

A lot of people tend to assume that I am romantic because I write romantic songs and am a songwriter and "creative type". Nope. No, you are wrong. I am one of the least romantic people you'll meet. Nice? Absolutely. Thoughtful? Try to be. But romantic? Not a chance. Don't get me wrong, I can respect a well-dressed gentleman giving his lovely looking lady a bouquet of flowers and kissing her softly on the mouth. However, I am simple not the type that wants anything to do with the 'general' romantic stereotypes. That to say: if you're not romantic, putcha numba on this paypa, cuz I would love to daytcha ;)

. . . sometimes i wonder if you wrote that song for me. that one song, you know? i hope not. it'd make things too real for me.

The beauty of knowing someone, and truly knowing them, is not only knowing about them
and their personality
and their heart,
but also knowing how they will react in a certain situation
and their habits; good and bad
and hearing their smile
The beauty of knowing someone is having them surprise you with their opinions at times
and the ability to see their body/facial expressions in your own self and yours in them
and letting them care for you
and loving them without hesitation
expecting nothing
The beauty of knowing someone is them seeing you how you see you
The beauty of knowing someone is seeing them how they see them