.Unpublished Heart

Jenny Lewis is tremendously sexy and brilliant.  Every girl wants a little Jen.  I mean, c'mon!

Well, it's been building in me for awhile, but today it finally broke free from my lungs and my mind.  I am so tired of the competition.  I am so sick of trying to get "noticed" and achieve something "great".  What?!  Who are they to tell me what great is?  What gives them the divine right to make the rules of beautiful, successful, smart, funny, and talented?  I am so sick of trying to please and satisfy the "judges" of life.  The race makes me sick, tired, anxious, and weary.  I cannot continue extending my alleged self to the hands of the moderators that feed off of my failure.  I will not allow it!  Why is it that I feel the need to please the audience of people surrounding me?  What have I to offer or to gain?  Nothing!  So, I must cease this pursuit, because I will never get or give enough.

You have been my most trusted friend since I can remember.  You are absolutely, 100% the thing that keeps me going, the thing that keeps me pressing through the hard stuff life often throws in our faces.  I remember days and nights of fighting and friendship.  It almost kills me each time I leave you alone.  I want the best for you and would truly give up anything in order for you to have it.  You deserve it.  I know I’ve hurt you and you’ve hurt me, but it is those very instances that call me to a deep love and confidence in you.  You and I are so alike, yet so very different at the same time.  You, sweet friend, are utterly gorgeous.  The way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you cry draws me into you.  I can’t help it.  I know that Christ is working so mightily in you and has plans far beyond what either one of us can imagine.  I am so very proud of you.  You.  Not what you’ve done or how you’ve done it.  You, who you are.  Thank you for always being here for me and loving me without condition.  I’m extremely excited to see you following the famous name of Jesus.  You are exquisite.

With every day comes new victories, struggles, realizations, and discoveries.  In all of these aspects I have experienced joy and have been challenged to do newer, greater things within myself and others.  I have found that with each coming and passing day, He and I grow closer and learn more about how life should be lived.  I love Him.  He is my best friend.

For everyone who loves YouTube or simply just likes watching good videos:  You should totally check out peron75's videos on YouTube!  I absolutely love this guy!  He is sooo hilarious.  He has lots and lots of videos, but if you start from the beginning and work your way up to where he is right now I know that you'll totally want to subscribe to his channel too.  What are you still doing here reading this blog?!  Go check out Michael Buckley at: http://www.youtube.com/peron75

Hey guys.  Sorry to everyone that I told I would be going to SPC this next spring semester.  Looks like I'm going to stay here in Denton for the spring (and maybe summer) to work and take a few classes.  In the fall I WILL be at SPC starting the nursing program there.  Just thought you'd all want that update!  Love :o)

I'm in love with a man, I'm in love with a stranger

"Change" by Trevor Davis

Dude, so I totally just learned about this crazy little challenge.  Take your right foot in the air and draw circles in a clockwise direction.  Then, at the same time that your foot is turning, draw a six in the air with your hand.  You will end up turning your foot in the opposite direction!  It's SO hard, haha!  Try it!

I can't wait until Saturday!!!

Lord,

I have often be urged by psychologists to free write in the context that requires no rules or grammar or form.  When I first began this exercise, I found it extremely hard to simply let go of the rules.  Many times I like to make myself think that I do not live within the encrypted rules and lines and boundaries of language and thinking, but I indeed do.  However, free writing has helped me overcome the ordinances of form.  It's truly freeing to be able to sit down and put random thoughts on paper without that incessant voice telling me that I must put them in the order that it tells me to or all control will be lost.

My body is torn.  My spirit is sorrowful.  My mind is desolate.  My heart is broken.

and vote and vote and vote!

I am not brave, though I wish I was.  I am dirty, though I try to hide it.  I am naïve, and don’t pretend that I am not.  I am a recluse, though I’d never want to tell you.  I am used to failure, and used to dwelling on those failures.  I hold onto the little things, though they often make me wane.  I am passionate, and yet indolent.  I am shifty, though relentless for a season.  I am selfish, prideful, and arrogant.  I will never reach my potential, but for some reason people will feel the need to tell me how much I could be.  I am extremely patient, though incompetent people will be the end of me.  I am talented, yet never the best.  I hide behind the dauntless.  I am drawn to wit, though never embraced. I cannot sit still, though I cannot get up.  I am not in control, and it kills me. 

This is an extremely frightening music video from Mogwai called "Bobcat".  Enjoy!

Thank you, thank you, kglass for sharing this video and this band with me!  I love em!

Wow, I am so incredibly ready to leave this town, Lubbock, and get back to my home.  I will be moving into a new apartment with my good friend and roommate Miss Robyn.  It will be my first time to be having guests over for meals and just to hang out.  Plus, it will be more isolated than the dorms at UNT, so I'm really excited about that (because noise at 3AM sucks).  

I am in need...

You showed favor to your land, O Lord; you restored the fortunes of Jacob.  You forgave the iniquity of your people and covered all their sins.  You set aside all your wrath and turned from your fierce anger.  Restore us again, O God our Savior and put away your displeasure toward us.  Will you be angry with us forever?  Will you prolong your anger through all generations?  Will you not revive us again that your people may rejoice in you?  Show us your unfailing love, O Lord, and grant us your salvation.  I will listen to what God the Lord will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints - but let them not return to folly.  Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land.  Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other.  Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and righteousness looks down from heaven.  The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest.  Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps.

Cleansing tears fall down my face and wash away the sin that I embraced

It is slowly becoming more and more apparent to me that a godly woman is so much more beautiful and attractive than a woman living by her own strength and light.

A Strong Willed Woman...

wake up, take your pills dear, i know this time of year ain't right for you...

by the Ghostwrite (Robby Lester)

I can hide behind my smile, my guitar, and my voice, but my lyrics will never lie to you.

Does your spirit ever feel the uncontrollable need to scream?  It’s not a moan or complaint or sob, but a full out blood-curling scream.  That’s how my spirit has been feeling for about two or three months.  This is a mind-clogging experience.  I have a hard time sleeping, thinking, and concentrating, which of course sucks because I am at school trying to conjure up A’s. 

I’ve tried to mask it as well as possible, this deep bellow in my soul, but it seems as though the more I try to cover it up or put it away from my reality, the more it haunts and hunts for me.  I finally confronted the matter a couple of days ago when Jerod was in town.  He knew that I wasn’t sleeping well and all of this stuff, but had no reason why this was occurring.  He gently lead me into his arms and somehow (I’m still not quite sure how) I (wo)manned-up and frickin let it come out of my mouth.  There was nothing in me that wanted to tell him.  I hate the things that haunt me, but it seems like as we begin to coat it over with an ever-growing mask of denial, this haunting turns into a best friend AND a worst enemy.  But, I did it.  I said it.  It felt gross to hear it come out of my mouth: my selfishness, my self-pity, my shame.  But, I did it. 

Night came, and he went over to Beast’s to stay the night.  Nothing new: it was still really hard to sleep.  The next night I felt an amazingly new burst of peace when I went to bed.  There was still a struggle in my heart, don’t get me wrong, but my mind seemed to settle a lot easier.  Last night, dude, I slept sooo well!  I went to bed and fell right asleep.  I even took a nap this afternoon in which dreams and conformations of other dreams were spilling out of my mind and spirit.  It was exciting to rest!

I know that the struggle is still going to be there.  Satan would absolutely love to come in (especially after sharing this with others) and disrupt my sleep again.  I know this.  I’ve seen it time and time again in my life and in other’s.  But the simple joy of a restful, peaceful night is overwhelming, and I cannot contain it!  The screaming has ceased or at least become quiet enough for me to think and enjoy today.

Thank you, Lord!

Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name; make known among the nations what he has done.  Psalm 105:1, 1 Chronicles 16:8

Sooo today I played a really bad trick on my mom.  I had my roommate call her up...wait a second, ok.  Let's also put into account that my roommate, Robyn, discouraged me SEVERAL times before I did this.  Ok, in saying that, Robyn called her up and, well it went something like this:

Hola de Denton!

Hey guys,